NFL Wildcard Weekend: Lifebuoy For The Commander In Chief Edition

NFL Wildcard Weekend: Lifebuoy For The Commander In Chief Edition

NFL Wildcard Weekend: Lifebuoy For The Commander In Chief Edition

Well ladies and gentlemen, here we are. Saturday and Sunday bring us the divisional rounds, the first playoff games where everyone starts watching. Typically, anyway. The general idea is that these games feature the teams most likely to play in February, so the casuals come out of the woodwork.

Unfortunately, so too do the bandwagon jumpers, loathsome individuals too stupid, hungover, or sentenced to DUI weekend jail to follow the regular season. But just like clockwork, they’ll find their way to the bar you enjoyed going to all season, just in time to ruin the experience for you and everybody else.

There are variables depending on what team they root for, of course, but the typical presentation is a slightly-too-small jersey that is either way too clean, like try-hard clean, or adorned with some sort of food stain. The name on the back can be the way-too-obvious guy (Brady, Julio Jones) or a former player that was killing it the last time he bothered to pay attention (Reggie Bush, Jarvis Jones) so he grabbed that number off of the closeout rack, never questioning why a licensed hometown jersey would be marked down to four dollars.

Well ladies and gentlemen, here we are. Saturday and Sunday bring us the divisional rounds, the first playoff games where everyone starts watching. Typically, anyway. The general idea is that these games feature the teams most likely to play in February, so the casuals come out of the woodwork. Unfortunately, so too do the bandwagon jumpers, loathsome individuals too stupid, hungover, or sentenced to DUI weekend jail to follow the regular season. But just like clockwork, theyll find their way to the bar you enjoyed going to all season, just in time to ruin the experience for you and everybody else. There are variables depending on what team they root for, of course, but the typical presentation is a slightly-too-small jersey that is either way too clean, like tryhard clean, or adorned with some sort of food stain. The name on the back can be the way-too-obvious guy (Brady, Julio Jones) or a former player that was killing it the last time he bothered to pay attention (Reggie Bush, Jarvis Jones) so he grabbed that number off of the closeout rack, never questioning why a licensed hometown jersey would be marked down to four dollars. These people are either undateable or joined up with another waterhead, so once they are in the vicinity there isnt anyone around to keep them in check. This becomes problematic because of an otherwise great aspect of football, and by extension America itself I suppose. You see, on game day, socially acceptable drinking is inexorably tied to kickoff times. Ergo, it is completely appropriate to begin drinking when the first game begins, and to keep going until the last game of the day ends. Amongst decent people, this is a beautiful thing! Cue up the Lee Greenwood! The issue, of course, is that frontrunners are not decent people, and the relatively early afternoon beer just makes it that much worse. This is all situationally dependent, of course, but in my experience those guys are 30-to-40-year-old adolescents, so of course they drink like high school kids. Five or six beers in and Brady jersey will start shouting about putting Danny Woodhead in a slot so he can run midrange routes, despite Woodhead leaving New England five years ago. At that point you just have to hope they get kicked out for groping a waitress or something. At least these playoff weekends are limited to two games per day, running concurrently. This is certainly healthier than ten or eleven straight hours of beer during the regular NFL season, and up to 16 hours of college football under certain circumstances. Granted, during the latter you may be asked about your concomitant interest in early FBS or post-homecoming Big 12 games and the University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. Not by me of course; we dont do judgment here. In my personal experience it helps to tell them that you write a column for a world-renowned film criticism gambling instruction cultural essay humor gaming crystal methamphetamine memoir publication, so I guess thats worth a shot. I dont want to get in trouble for too many asides again, but the subject of University of Hawaii football coming up again is a longer shot than Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco arriving at the Copacabana. So if you ever see them hosting a home game you owe it to yourself to switch over to Spectrum, the former Oceanic Sports, after you finish deconstructing the SNL goodnights (Why did Kendrick Lamars DJ hug Aidy Bryant for so long? What could they possibly be discussing?) in order to catch some Rainbow Warriors football. Its not really comparable to other college games you see over the course the regular season. The games are how about we go with not always close? And they play in Aloha Stadium, a gorgeous facility that seats 50000, though they appear to draw an average of approximately eight people to every home game. They kick off between 10:30 and midnight, so no one is watching, and their color guy Rob Kekaula is something of a character. At least when hes not insulting the entire City of Fresno or debunking completely made-up point shaving allegations. Alright then. I sure hope that informative paragraph gave you juuuust enough info to get excited about watching a football game occurring live in Hawaii. Next year. Because three DMs about whether or not I am going to talk about betting the Pro Bowl is three too many. At first I was surprised that people asked, then realized that we hit on some preseason stuff, but those were team props. I do not have a gift for betting games you shouldnt bet on. I picked the Pats to win the AFC East. That doesnt exactly make me Nostradamus. HEY LOOK HANDICAPABLE FOOTBALL! Atlanta -2.5 at Philadelphia No mystery here. Carson Wentz brought the Eagles to the dance but now hes injured, and journeyman Nick Foles takes the ball in this latest version of the game of his life. I suppose he could draw inspiration from Tua Tagovailoas miraculous performance on Monday night, but Foles is eight or nine years past his freshman year, and pretty clearly on the back nine at this point. Mind you, career-wise Foles is only a shade above .500 as a starter at 22-17. I will grant you that he doesnt throw many picks and he avoids getting sacked, but that win loss record refers almost entirely to regular season games, as Foles has played in exactly one playoff game four years ago, losing to the Saints by two. That Nick Foles had a 70% completion rate and a QBR of 105. This Nick Foles tied for his lowest season completion average at 56.4% and boasts a laughable 31.4 QBR. The Eagles defense deserves respect, and if they can hassle Matt Ryan like the Rams did it will stay close for a while. But while the defenses cancel each other out, the offenses do not, and once Julio Jones, Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman put some measure of points on the board, the gap will widen. Then Atlanta can start waking up with night sweats due to Super Bowl flashbacks. Tennessee at New England -13.5 I know, I know, look at that line. In a playoff game no less. But look at this stat: the Pats have won six home playoff games in a row and covered five of those times. In those games, they won by an average of 17.8 points. As you know, a lot of us were paying close attention to last weeks Titans game, having taken the under, and it took quite a set of circumstances to get them the win, Kansas Citys much-appreciated refusal to score after halftime being Chief among them (sorry). As rare as a 13.5-point line is for a playoff game, I assume scoring 19 unanswered is in the same neighborhood. Part of what makes New England so unlikeable works to their advantage here. Forget the internal squabbles, or gutless Pats players anonymously telling SI that they liked Jimmy Garoppolo and his dark, soulful eyes better than the rapidly balding visage of St. Thomas of Foxboro. Belichick and Brady are soulless automatons, programmed to thrash upstart teams like this and move on to the next one while being catty with the reporting scrum. Nobody outside of Massachusetts wants them back in the show again, but if its going to happen we might as well collect on it. Jacksonville at Pittsburgh -7 And here we go with the other side of that ugly scenario. Just as the Pats reach full throttle, who works the other side of the bracket but the one team that always comes up short against them. Yes, I know that the Jags are the sentimental favorite of some now that the Bills are gone, but Bass Beefcake seems to toss a lot of that goodwill away every week with errant throwing. I get how good the Jacksonville defense is, but Antonio Brown is back off of IR and he and Juju together look like a bad stylistic matchup for Jalen Ramsey and A.J.Bouye. Finally, I know that they stomped Pittsburgh in week two, but Roethlisberger threw five picks in that game. If that happens, I will eat all of my brand new Hells Satans jackets and frisbees. Again, we are bounding toward conference finals that weve seen before, and maybe there is a wildcard in there somewhere. However, teams that perform like these Pats and Steelers squads always snare my respect, even if I get that bilious feeling in my throat when I root for them. But these are financial, as opposed to moral, decisions and thats why they make Pepto Bismol. Good luck!

These people are either un-dateable or joined up with another water-head, so once they are in the vicinity there isn’t anyone around to keep them in check. This becomes problematic because of an otherwise great aspect of football, and by extension America itself I suppose. You see, on game day, socially acceptable drinking is inexorably tied to kickoff times. Ergo, it is completely appropriate to begin drinking when the first game begins, and to keep going until the last game of the day ends. Among decent people, this is a beautiful thing! Cue up the Lee Greenwood!

The issue, of course, is that front runners are not decent people, and the relatively early afternoon beer just makes it that much worse. This is all situationally dependent, of course, but in my experience those guys are 30-to-40-year-old adolescents, so of course they drink like high school kids. Five or six beers in and Brady jersey will start shouting about putting Danny Woodhead in a slot so he can run mid-range routes, despite Woodhead leaving New England five years ago. At that point you just have to hope they get kicked out for groping a waitress or something.

At least these playoff weekends are limited to two games per day, running concurrently. This is certainly healthier than ten or eleven straight hours of beer during the regular NFL season, and up to 16 hours of college football under certain circumstances. Granted, during the latter you may be asked about your concomitant interest in early FBS or post-homecoming Big 12 games and the University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. Not by me of course; we don’t do judgment here. In my personal experience it helps to tell them that you write a column for a world-renowned film criticism gambling instruction cultural essay humor gaming crystal methamphetamine memoir publication, so I guess that’s worth a shot.

I don’t want to get in trouble for too many asides again, but the subject of University of Hawaii football coming up again is a longer shot than Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco arriving at the Copacabana. So if you ever see them hosting a home game you owe it to yourself to switch over to Spectrum, the former Oceanic Sports, after you finish deconstructing the SNL goodnights (Why did Kendrick Lamars DJ hug Aidy Bryant for so long? What could they possibly be discussing?) in order to catch some Rainbow Warriors football. Its not really comparable to other college games you see over the course the regular season.

The games are how about we go with not always close? And they play in Aloha Stadium, a gorgeous facility that seats 50000, though they appear to draw an average of approximately eight people to every home game. They kick off between 10:30 and midnight, so no one is watching, and their color guy Rob Kekaula is something of a character. At least when hes not insulting the entire City of Fresno or debunking completely made-up point shaving allegations.

Alright then. I sure hope that informative paragraph gave you juuuust enough info to get excited about watching a football game occurring live in Hawaii. Next year. Because three DMs about whether or not I am going to talk about betting the Pro Bowl is three too many. At first I was surprised that people asked, then realized that we hit on some preseason stuff, but those were team props. I do not have a gift for betting games you shouldnt bet on. I picked the Pats to win the AFC East. That doesnt exactly make me Nostradamus. HEY LOOK HANDICAPABLE FOOTBALL!

Atlanta -2.5 at Philadelphia

No mystery here. Carson Wentz brought the Eagles to the dance but now he’s injured, and journeyman Nick Foles takes the ball in this latest version of the game of his life. I suppose he could draw inspiration from Tua Tagovailoas miraculous performance on Monday night, but Foles is eight or nine years past his freshman year, and pretty clearly on the back nine at this point.

Mind you, career-wise Foles is only a shade above .500 as a starter at 22-17. I will grant you that he doesn’t throw many picks and he avoids getting sacked, but that win loss record refers almost entirely to regular season games, as Foles has played in exactly one playoff game four years ago, losing to the Saints by two. That Nick Foles had a 70% completion rate and a QBR of 105. This Nick Foles tied for his lowest season completion average at 56.4% and boasts a laughable 31.4 QBR.

The Eagles defense deserves respect, and if they can hassle Matt Ryan like the Rams did it will stay close for a while. But while the defenses cancel each other out, the offenses do not, and once Julio Jones, Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman put some measure of points on the board, the gap will widen. Then Atlanta can start waking up with night sweats due to Super Bowl flashbacks.

Tennessee at New England -13.5

I know, I know, look at that line. In a playoff game no less. But look at this stat: the Pats have won six home playoff games in a row and covered five of those times. In those games, they won by an average of 17.8 points.

As you know, a lot of us were paying close attention to last weeks Titans game, having taken the under, and it took quite a set of circumstances to get them the win, Kansas City’s much-appreciated refusal to score after halftime being Chief among them (sorry). As rare as a 13.5-point line is for a playoff game, I assume scoring 19 unanswered is in the same neighborhood.

Part of what makes New England so un-likeable works to their advantage here. Forget the internal squabbles, or gutless Pats players anonymously telling SI that they liked Jimmy Garoppolo and his dark, soulful eyes better than the rapidly balding visage of St. Thomas of Foxboro. Belichick and Brady are soulless automatons, programmed to thrash upstart teams like this and move on to the next one while being catty with the reporting scrum. Nobody outside of Massachusetts wants them back in the show again, but if its going to happen we might as well collect on it.

NFL Wildcard Weekend: Lifebuoy For The Commander In Chief Edition

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh -7

And here we go with the other side of that ugly scenario. Just as the Pats reach full throttle, who works the other side of the bracket but the one team that always comes up short against them.

Yes, I know that the Jags are the sentimental favorite of some now that the Bills are gone, but Bass Beefcake seems to toss a lot of that goodwill away every week with errant throwing. I get how good the Jacksonville defense is, but Antonio Brown is back off of IR and he and Juju together look like a bad stylistic match-up for Jalen Ramsey and A.J.Bouye. Finally, I know that they stomped Pittsburgh in week two, but Roethlisberger threw five picks in that game. If that happens, I will eat all of my brand new Hells Satans jackets and frisbees.

Again, we are bounding toward conference finals that we’ve seen before, and maybe there is a wildcard in there somewhere. However, teams that perform like these Pats and Steelers squads always snare my respect, even if I get that bilious feeling in my throat when I root for them. But these are financial, as opposed to moral, decisions and that’s why they make Pepto Bismol.

Good luck!

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The prevention of waste mobile casinos with these 5 simple questions

The prevention of waste mobile casinos with these 5 simple questions

Choosing a mobile casino should be relatively easy right? Just start with a quick search on Google, soon you will all kinds of sites with bonuses and other treats to tempt you. And that […]

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NFL Playoffs: Wild Card Weekend Edition

NFL Playoffs: Wild Card Weekend Edition

I haven’t read the Wolff book yet. I read the New York Magazine excerpt, of course, and the Axios thing that reads just a little too dismissive, like they’re pissed that they got scooped. As can be seen, they sneer at Wolff for burning sources – and sweet Jesus, did that dude burn some sources – but doing so is how he scooped everybody in the first place. The pithy nature of their Michael Wolff is a bad guy, but here’s what we can corroborate framing paragraph makes me think that Drew Magary is probably right, and a bunch of those access-craving boot-lickers are just mad that they didn’t have the balls to do the same thing. Easy for me to say; my balls work just fine, but I don’t have to interact with anyone in the Huckabee family on a daily basis.

As for the actual content, I think my exasperated sigh is probably echoed by most people, at least at this point. When you consider everything that has been published over the last day or two, what is the big reveal? That the President is stupid? That he doesn’t know how the government works? That he didn’t really want to win? That his wife can’t stand him? I’m pretty sure everyone outside of the cult already knew all of those things. And for that matter, no one in the cult will believe it, and even if they did they wouldn’t care. I guess if you’re willing to believe that one of those idiotic hats does not make you look like a complete tool, every other self-deception just sticks to the snowball.

NFL Playoffs: Wild Card Weekend Edition

Within days of the executive branch becoming the live-action sequel to Head Office that nobody asked for, all of this stuff became rote, almost expected. I guess the degree of artifice took a bit of getting used to. Like, can’t he just pay that useless woman enough to pretend to like him when they are going to be photographed? But by and large all of the stuff I’ve read from the Wolff book sounds like par for the course to me.

There was a fake tweet that douche bag professional provocateur Gavin McInnes fell for earlier today about White House staff making gorilla fight compilation DVDs, but if the full version of Wolff’s book recounts Bannon and Trump literally measuring each others dicks or prank calling a Chinese diplomat and using outrageously over-the-top Charlie Chan movie accents to order moo goo gai pan, pretty much everyone I know would take it as fact, no questions asked.

The stuff in Wolff’s book also moves the collective conscious ever so closer to believing that the pee tape exists, by the way. I certainly think it’s true. Specifically, I believe the version of the story wherein he watches at least two prostitutes urinate on a bed that Obama and his wife slept in, not that he engaged in any water sports himself. Certainly not because he has too much dignity – would that he did! – and not even because he wouldn’t have the guts to veer from a very staid, conventional definition of sexuality (with prostitutes). Rather, I believe it because its such a petty, meaninglessly vindictive thing to do, and a preposterous waste of money to boot.

His seething, crybaby schoolgirl jealousy of Obama is apparently one of his only motivating factors, or acts as same to the people who tell him what to do. Nothing else explains ghoulish stuff like reversing the ban on imported elephant tusks or drilling the Arctic Ocean, stuff that most everyone agrees is cruel and stupid, respectively. Maybe Obama could do us all a solid and hold a press conference where he came out in favor of kicking kids off of Medicaid and wearing cheap-ass suits that don’t fit, thus employing the sort of 80s sitcom reverse psychology that the presidents intellect would be powerless to compete with.

NFL Playoffs: Wild Card Weekend Edition

The waste of money is, of course, an essential component of the Trump brand, because he is a terrible businessman. Most thinking people know this, of course, but sometimes I do wonder just how stupid you have to be to fuck everything up with a $ 14 million dollar head start. How does one fail at selling booze, steak, and gambling to Americans? And this is coming from someone who writes a gambling column! I’d mention sex as well but knowing this goon he’d blow the sale by promising that the girl can urinate on anything, shes an excellent urinator, just the best in that detestable voice and creeping the guy out, like in that Patrick Stewart SNL sketch. HEY LOOK, FOOTBALL!

Tennessee at Kansas City UNDER 44.5

Sometimes, the past predicts the future. In this instance, both of these teams have scored points all season due to their very respectable backfields. Derrick Henry and DeMarco Murray anchor the Titans, while Kareem Hunt and Tyreek Hill have combined to form the nucleus of the K.C. offense. However, Hill is listed as expected to play Saturday against the Titans despite dealing with a personal issue. This presumably references the death of his grandfather, which kept him out of last Sundays game against the Broncos. No snark here; most of us live to see our grandparents die and it sucks.

That said, this is a financial calculation. If both teams are going to rely on the run, the clock will tick as they do so. Add to that the fact that the Chiefs don’t tend to score a lot of points at Arrowhead anyway, as they’ve hit the under in 17 of their last 24 home games, and Tennessee has averaged 21 points per game this season.

Not to get too degenerate/square on you, but a 43.5 over is considered an unofficial line of demarcation of sorts, as 43 is the average score of the modern game, as 57 games, or 2.14% of the 2,668 games played from 2002-2011, have resulted in a 23-20 final score. I certainly wouldn’t throw down the paycheck on this one, and the current 8.5 point line scares me, but if you need a reason to watch, take the under.

NFL Playoffs: Wild Card Weekend Edition

Atlanta at Los Angeles Rams -5.5

Forget last week. The Rams basically sat all of their starters so of course they got hooked by the 49ers. The important number is the 11-4 that preceded that game. The Rams are a machine, and fun to watch too, leading the league in points scored. I know I cursed Jared Goff after the penultimate week of the season, but for the sake of this argument, they did beat the Titans, they just didn’t cover.

Football Outsiders notes that from a statistical perspective, the Rams are an enormous favorite, outranking Atlanta in DVOA in eight different games that top Atlanta’s high of 38.8%, which happened way back in week 10. They point out how the Falcons need to run, and that’s the better option than trying the leagues 12th ranked pass defense, as bad as that sounds. It appears that an Atlanta upset is the sexy pick all over the internet, but that relies upon Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman both coming up big while Matt Ryan and Julio Jones also find the mythical Fountain Of Slightly Less Old and play like they did last postseason. Well up until that happened, anyway.

Personally speaking, I’ll take the numbers over playoff experience. Cat Power, Kanye West, and Raven-Symone were all born in Atlanta and are plenty experienced. And they all suck. Lay the Rams.

NFL Playoffs: Wild Card Weekend Edition

Buffalo at Jacksonville -9

OK Buffalo, you have my respect. The freak show parking lot antics of the ahem… Bills Mafia have scared me away from going to your stadium forever, but credit where credit is due. Raising over $ 300,000 in $ 17 increments in a sarcastic effort to thank Andy Dalton after the Bengals win over the Ravens last week was absolutely hilarious, and kudos to Dalton for rolling with it too.

Unfortunately, I think this is where the party ends, at least for this year. Buffalo is still the 26th ranked defense in the league, and they fared terribly against other teams in the conference. Worse yet, the real core of their offense, LeSean McCoy, is considered a game time decision. Leonard Fournette, conversely, is healthy, and the Bills are especially bad at stopping the run. Ill grant you that Bork Barrels has a history of shooting himself in the foot, but something happened this season that led him to turn the page (and yes, Ive read the same thing you have, and no, I don’t want to discuss it, glass houses and all that) and he ended the season with a respectable 21/13 split.

By the way, this beer is a spit in the eye of all that is good and pure in this world. Cover the nine and then you can go directly to hell, you animals. Directly to hell. Act like you’ve been there before, for Christs sake.

Carolina at New Orleans -6.5

An odd thing about the Panthers run this year is that Cam Newton, the face of the franchise and the model of what an NFL quarterback will probably be for the next five to ten years, has just been off. Statistically, he’s worse than many of the punchline starters and guys on the phone to their moving companies this week, having gone 291 of 492 for a 59.1 completion rate, amassing a 22/16 TD/INT split, and averaging a dreadful QBR of just 49.6. Cam Newton! 49.6!

The other thing I can’t get over is the fact that we just saw this game a month ago. Same teams, same injuries (more or less) and same stadium, one of the few that seems to actually make a difference, by the way, and the Saints beat the Panthers by 10 on December 3. They beat them by 21 in week three.

The Saints are a better team straight up, but that is only magnified by the IR, where the Panthers will have to sit Curtis Samuel, Damiere Byrd, Charles Johnson, and Devin Funchess, forcing Newton to throw at randos off of the street. High rollers are banking their stacks on either Richard Petty or Petey Pablo, but I love Skeet Ulrich as the underdog.

Skeet Ulrich sucks as a punchline, but I figured Jodeci was too obscure, Ric Flair was too obvious, and Tammy Faye Messner nee Bakker was too dated. Step your celebrity game up, Charlotte! And sorry but were laying the Saints.

Playoff football at long last! I didn’t even get into all the Pats gossip, or the ludicrousness of paying Jon Gruden $ 100 million dollars over the course of 10 years. Then again, if that contract holds he’ll have to move to Vegas, at which point he just might wind up across a table from certain members of the Ruthless editorial office. See now, this guy’s a mark. That’s my kinda guy! Maybe I could get a raise! Or at least a key to this illustrious break room I’ve heard so much about. A boy can dream…

Good luck!

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Biggest Slot Wins of All time

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It takes a serious amount of happiness to go to a casino with fatter pockets than you rocked, let alone as a fresh-made millionaire. But the stories of these brave chancers – who managed to land the biggest slot wins of all time – are proof that incredible, seven-figure pay-outs can and do happen to ordinary people. . . 1) Megabucks Madness is probably no surprise that the biggest slot machine win to date took place in Las Vegas, the glitzy gambling capital of the world. In March 2003, a hopeful 25-year-old software engineer from Los Angeles walked into the Excalibur for $ 100 in a popular Megabucks machine. Fortune was certainly smiling on him that fateful day, as he hit a mind-blowing $ 39,710,826.36 jackpot! The lucky guy chosen to remain anonymous, perhaps the choice to let what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. 2) Defying the Odds Before that big pay-out, the title of biggest ever slot winner was held by Cynthia Jay-Brenan, a woman who managed to defy incredible odds not once, but twice. In January 200, they hit a jackpot of just under $ 35 million by turning on another Megabucks machine. After the walk from the Desert Inn Resort is a record champion, she quickly married her partner and thought that they would live long and happily. But her fortunes soon changed. Not long after her windfall, tragedy struck when a drunk driver plowed into Jay-Brenan car, shattering her back. While the collision left her in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, Jay-Brenan is, undoubtedly, incredibly lucky to have survived the 50-km / h impact. Nevertheless, it is very superstitious were quick to put her misfortune down to the curse of winning. 3) Striking Gold in the Golden Years Elmer Sherwood was one of the first players to walk in The Mirage when it first opened its doors in 1989. The unsuspecting old man had been touring in the States with his wife in their familiar house, when the grand opening of the Vegas casino caught his attention. While the first $ 100 that he with a bet of that evening turned out to be no success, Sherwood asked his wife for a naughty extra $ 20. It was that jammy bill that saw him scope of $ 4.6 million fortune! The couple lived modestly off the interest of their profits. But sixteen years later, at the ripe old age of 92, Sherwood had a flutter on the machines of Sin City once more – this time […]

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Shrinkage

Shrinkage

Contract

2 hours 15 minutes, R for Naked Guys on Boards

Fair Value of Downsizing? $ 5.00. Worth a rental, Redbox. As fun and smart a modernization of Jonathan Swift as hoped for.

Who is this film perfect? Alexander Payne’s (Sideways, Elections) newest comedy is there in abundance on a spur of the moment, but in the short jokes. Methadone for people jonesing on Michel Gondry or other Science Thin types of movies.

Who will not like this movie? Hong Chaus pidgin English is already dated, almost as cringe-worthy as Mickey Rooney in Breakfast in Town. Don’t the fault of the actress; the debt-writer Jim Taylor.

those Who are looking for black humor or satire should look elsewhere. the Contract moves with the glossy condescension of an IKEA store.

TL, DR? Matt Damon gets shrunk, midlife crisis, goes on a world-spanning adventure.

Downsizing

More: in an autumnal, pensive phase in our culture. The clathrate gun of methane deposits has already been released; or by means of a nuclear war or pandemic or hydrogen sulfide releasing of the ocean, the extinction of the human species is the likeliest outcome of the 21st. century. The question is no longer one of how we can save the world; it is a matter of how you’re going to spend your dwindling reserves of the time.

Contract can be subtitled How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Enjoy the pollution., in the first instance, the film seems to be a mordant parable of switching to solar energy/ electric cars/ etc.: this wonderful new technology, which enables people to live more by living a little. To action figure size, everyone can enjoy the huge mansions, large portions and a luxury life out of the abundance of natural resources.

But the man is more than a type; we are a biome. Everywhere we go, we recreate the world in the same light, savannah and temperate housing that we prefer. And, as Payne shows, shrinking to doll size does nothing to undo inequality and exploitation. And this revelation is what Damon out on his world-hopping bildungsroman, carrying a miniature person colony to the next.

Downsizing

How does this movie compare to others. It is certainly the best shrunken people movie since Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Christopher Waltz steals every scene he’s given, such as Damons eurotrashy neighbor.

What works in this film? Payne gets a lot of mileage from the juxtaposition of the shrunken people with the ordinary people. In fact, the best use of the metaphor is to show the little people in the bars, at school reunions, navigate and interact with the normal size of the people.

What is not in this film? Kristen Wiig’t really a lout of comedy material to chew on. And there’s not so much absurdity to the film. Matt Damon is a good-natured straight man, but for his ingnue to be effective, it needs to be more characters with character. And only Waltz delivers on that.

Also, the film spends more time on the unnecessary how of the process, and less time, and with the consequences of the film. Butterflies appear in a scene, as big as hawks. But Contract hits on the classic tropes of the shrunken person film, namely the sudden fight against previously innocent creatures and objects.

Conclusion: is Not essential nor annoying, Contract is a light trifle of a film, good for family outings and large groups where you need to hedge your bets. You can do worse, and if you want to relax in front of a screen in the post-Christmas period and not need to much attention, it’s an excellent choice.

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Orient Express

Orient Express

Orient Express

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The ABC’s of Christmas (2017)

The ABC’s of Christmas (2017)

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The ABC’s OF CHRISTMAS (2017)

Alcohol– Face it, whether it be the vilest Kosher Wine, Grandmas 90 proof eggnog or just the familiar handle of Jack Daniels, you cannot get through this period without it. Besides, its the biggest holiday of the year, so you can get hammered with a minimum of repercussions. Raise a glass…to Baby Jesus.

BonusThe Christmas Bonus has already been spent, long ago, and like Clark Griswold, your life will be in shambles in January if the money doesn’t come through. Yes, of course your 5 year old did not really need the latest iPhone, but after all its Christmas isn’t it? [Honorable Mention:BacchanaliaA really cool word used in the movie “A Christmas Story“]

The ABCs OF CHRISTMAS

Church– It’s Christmas Eve and somehow you have found yourself in a coat and tie, kneeling with hands clasped reverently in prayer, having already dutifully eaten the body of Jesus and sipped his sacred blood. I don’t know if it was guilt, or the glares and pious remarks from some of your religious relatives, but you are here. The pews are packed with hundreds of other guilty and sweating sinners. Remember to keep Christ’s bloody and mangled body in Christmas, it’s just the thing to do, your wretched soul depends on it.

The ABCs OF CHRISTMAS

Debt It’s coming. Crushing, debilitating, unforgiving, and enough to paralyze your finances well into next summer, but what can you do? The Black Friday Sirens have been blaring since well before Thanksgiving and you have followed the hordes of other suckers into Wal-Mart to get the goods. It’s Christmas and in America, it’s what we do.

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Eating– You will, like a starving gypsy at a refugee camp. You know you will overdo it and the rationalization with New Year’s Resolutions of dieting and exercise will ring as hollow and empty as your bank account in January. Eating, however is the most forgiveable “sin” of all. Remember, Randy, there are starving people in China! Eat up, little Piggy. EAT UP.

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FruitcakesTo my knowledge, no one has ever eaten or tasted one of these. They are ancient symbols of the holiday season that are recycled year after year, often displayed, but never opened. If someone gives you a fruitcake, yes, it means they fucking hate you. There is also the 93 year old Fruit Cake Lady and she is hilarious.

fruit cake

Grandma got run over by a reindeer. This is an actual Christmas song. The only song worse is the one about buying the dying mother the shoes. Yes, I love Christmas music, and especially the banjo solos. The American people have also been run over, but not by reindeer. The awful truth is that they have no idea as to who is screwing them. HINT: It is not the Kenyan.

The ABCs OF CHRISTMAS

Hangover– You know its coming and probably at the most inopportune time. Last night, after you went through your 12-pack like a champ, it seemed like a pretty good idea to finish off your alcoholic binge with some Franzia Sweet Red out of a box. Wine on top of beer is the worst. Today your body is spinning and reeling, and you will eat a can of Campbell’s Tomato Soup with lots of hot sauce, right before going to the Mother In Law’s for Christmas dinner. This behavior only draws sneers and scorn from your unsympathetic spouse. You try to survive the unrelenting waves of nausea as the MIL passes you her famous ambrosia. Eat up.


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iPhone, iCloud, iPad, iChristmas, its all about the baby in the manger, iPROMISE!

Jammies. Yes, Christmas jammies. Check them out. I hate White People. This YouTube video has an incredible 17+ MILLION views. America richly deserves to be conquered and enslaved by Aliens.

Kris Kringle, a.k.a Santa Claus- I’ve never understood why its perfectly OK to lie to your kids about Santa, only to break the news later that its just a myth. This is especially loony if you are a Christian and you maintain with a straight face that a Jewish Cosmic Zombie, who is his own father and whose mother was impregnated by a magical holy spirit will grant you immortality if you accept him as your master. If you don’t, you will spend eternity in Hell because a woman who was made out of a rib ate an apple in a Magical Garden. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of this Zombie with a bunch of other ancient Norse myths thrown in for color and good measure. Makes perfect sense to me.

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Lying-Don’t worry, its all right, in keeping with the season. Sure, Aunt Erma gave you the same hideous tie last year as well, but you tell her you love it. Unless she makes an escape to the grave, you WILL get another one next year. Maybe, just to change things up, she will wrap up her cat. It’s the thought.

Money– If there is a common thread woven throughout Christmas, its certainly not the birth of a Savior, its the cold, hard cash. Marcus and Willie knew it, and so do you. Spend up this year because thanks to our Republican Congress and President, you will have less to spend in subsequent Christmas Seasons. Don’t worry, the Corporations will be just fine, with PERMANENT tax cuts. Take that, Obama!

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Nothingness– As the magical Christmas Day comes and goes, you know what is coming. The big letdown, the depression, the regret, not to mention the mess and the financial reality that will hit like a sledgehammer. There’s always football, but chances are that your Alma Mater has already fumbled itself into Playoff irrelevancy. Peggy Lee had it right when she sang those haunting words almost 45 years ago. They have never been more applicable than for the post-Christmas letdown.


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Online Shopping Its easy, its convenient and its fun. You are a genius as you smugly rationalize emptying half the inventory at Amazon, using exclusively your Discover Cash-Back bonus points. You have run your Discover balance up over 5 figures to accomplish this feat. The minimum payment lingers months and years after all the crap you bought is long broken, obsolete or sold at a carport sale. You hate yourself, and rightfully so.

online shopping

Parties– Christmas Parties are a minefield, especially when associated with places of employment. Emboldened by that liquid courage, you are likely to vent a years worth of frustration in the direction where it can do the most damage. After the last wastebasket is overturned, the final brassiere popped, and another tasteless ethnic joke is told, the alcohol glow is fading. You know you have gone too far (again), and just hope that the powers above did not hear most of your idiotic ranting. You’ll find out soon enough. You may be just merely fired, or worst case, being sued for sexual harassment or going to jail. Ho-Ho-Ho and Merry Christmas.


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Quaaludes– They haven’t existed for decades, but you pray to Santa and every other non-existent being that some will be in your stocking to get you through the next day. If they were good enough for The Wolf of Wall Street and good ole Elvis, they are good enough for you. You may just have to settle for the bar of Xanax washed down by your favorite Christmas Cocktail. Quaaludes are gone forever, just like Disco and the mullet.

The ABCs OF CHRISTMAS

Relatives Are an unfortunate fact of life, and never are they more annoying than during the holidays. They have long ago de-friended you on Facebook because you didn’t agree that Obama was the Muslim Anti-Christ, yet you are somehow expected to let bygones be past and embrace these cement-headed Confederates in the spirit of the season. Any accidental friendliness on your part is taken as a concession as these cretins espouse the virtues of Palin, Nugent and Ted Cruz. You know its going to be a long night, so just listen and drink yourself into oblivion.

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Snow– Yes, a White Christmas. This is probably, for most Americans, one of the most futile and unrealistic expectations ever, but let’s face it, Christmas is all about unrealized expectations, is it not? Most are more likely to be struck by lightning during a Yuletide thunderstorm, but we keep hoping, don’t we? In reality, all it takes is a few snowflakes to invoke panic in today’s political and meteorological climate. Global Warming? What Global Warming?

Twelve Days of Christmas– By Allan Sherman almost makes the non-stop caterwauling of Christmas music from before Thanksgiving till Christmas Day worthwhile…almost. You cannot avoid it, so again, embrace it.

Ultrasound Xmas Card– Your sister in law is pregnant with her SIXTH little gift from god, as if five of the no-necked monsters were not enough. So she proudly passes it around the dinner table as you are already about to choke on the ambrosia. God bless them, each and every one.

ultrasound xmas card

Visa-Mastercard, Discover, American Express. Without them we would not even be having this conversation. In the original Grinch Classic, the Whos’ demonstrated wonderfully that its not about the money and the loot, but we all know that’s a cruel lie.VISA is at $ 216.00 a share (EDIT: $ 257.30 A SHARE! 11/26/2014. Try $ 78.75 a share after a 4-1 split!, you should have bought…. 11/08/2015), up 50% in 2013 and up over 600% since 2010. Now, 11/28/2017 The price is $ 113.22, up over 1000% since 2010. Ho Ho Ho, and you’re paying for it.

War on Christmas– This is a state of mental duress that occurs inside of some Christian brains during the holiday season. These religiously impaired fundamentalists admire blood, guts, persecution, suffering and agony and wish to be martyred themselves. They somehow think that Atheists have some sinister plot to do away with Christmas in spite of overwhelming evidence of the Christmas spectacle, in all its glory, being even more pervasive than ever each year. The catalyst for the outrage and imagined War on Christmas is when someone innocently utters Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, and there is much mewling, whining and soreness of Christian butts.

Xmas– This term is yet another source of outrage among the Christmas purists who are convinced by Fox News that subversive, godless, gay sympathizing Communist Atheists are trying with all their resources to wrest the blessed Christmas Holiday away from much abused and persecuted Evangelicals.

Yuletide-A German religious festival stolen and absorbed by Christians for their modern day Christmas. There is also a Yule log. What this has to do with the birth of the son of god, I have no idea.

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Zombie Apocalypse– Its coming, and if you don’t believe me its right there in the Bible, Matthew 27:51-53. Bring it on, you would almost welcome it after enduring yet another Christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM TEAM RUTHLESS

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Please check out our always respectful and reverent Christmas Reviews

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